Two of my beloved cats have gone missing and the heartache is palpable. I can actually observe the stages of grief as I am bidden to keep walking through them, in spite of the absolute gut-wrenching misery... yes, life is ongoing. Anger, despair, bargaining... Tomorrow evening will be two weeks since my little tuxedo cat disappeared, and the first one has been gone longer. Although part of me still hopes madly for a miracle, I am slowly becoming more resigned to this new reality. It hurts. Living alone with my pets for two years has made me a little too attached to them, I realize. I am also ever-aware of the immense suffering of others, surely much greater than my own. Furthermore, I recognize new empathy for my own parents, for the times I needed to be away from home, sometimes for years at a time. Is that what I am meant to glean from this latest of life lessons? I keep thinking of that line from an Oasis song "Please don't put your life in the hands of a rock and roll band..." Surely it is not fair to put your happiness in the paws of a cat either... but God this hurts. If only I had done something differently... but what? I live on a farm and the cats love to spend time outside. My boyfriend was finally able to spend a week here, and my little kitty is scared of people he doesn't know - I had to hope for the best. There are coyotes around, but why should they be this close to the farm at this time of year? Should I be angry at my neighbours for not scaring them off? Is it a sign? Of what? And so the mind continues with its endless attempts to rationalize and make sense of the senseless...
I am trying to focus on gratitude, for the wonderful one year since the kitty first appeared in our field and allowed me to rescue him. I truly treasured every moment we spent together; I even recently created a "Cat Life" section in my cafepress shop dedicated largely to this funny little tuxedo cat that captured my heart completely. At the same time, I am trying to be kind to myself, for this loss seems to be hitting me as hard as any of the most difficult times. Yes, alcohol has been imbibed, and cheesecake consumed. I have also engaged in some "retail therapy," choosing now as the time to treat myself to some necessary items like a new winter coat and boots to replace those outworn during my debt repayment years; as well as some organic spices; a copy of one of my favourite movies (I Heart Huckabees); a magnesium spray (I have not gone completely berserk, and am still trying to work on my long-term health; I recently discovered that magnesium is available in other forms than pills and think this might be worth a try for my difficult digestive system). I have also allowed myself to re-watch my newest favourite movie several times - it is called Zindagi Na Milega Dobara if you are interested - an absolutely delightful movie from India. I have decided that one of the actors, Hrithik Roshan, can be my stand-in boyfriend while my real life bf is, once again, in Vancouver trying to finish his projects out there and save enough money to make the permanent move here. I am forever telling other people "sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do," and am trying to give myself the same advice. I have thrown myself into housework and home improvements long delayed; this weekend I sealed the cracks in my faulty bedroom closet ceiling and can finally use the closet! And as we speak I am trying a recipe for borscht from another of my recent purchases, a book about healing leaky gut sydrome.
In the good times and the bad my friends, please hang in there. Observe the beauty of sunrise and sunset; the full moons and eclipses; hope for the best while trying to be prepared for the worst... it is all life.
I am trying to focus on gratitude, for the wonderful one year since the kitty first appeared in our field and allowed me to rescue him. I truly treasured every moment we spent together; I even recently created a "Cat Life" section in my cafepress shop dedicated largely to this funny little tuxedo cat that captured my heart completely. At the same time, I am trying to be kind to myself, for this loss seems to be hitting me as hard as any of the most difficult times. Yes, alcohol has been imbibed, and cheesecake consumed. I have also engaged in some "retail therapy," choosing now as the time to treat myself to some necessary items like a new winter coat and boots to replace those outworn during my debt repayment years; as well as some organic spices; a copy of one of my favourite movies (I Heart Huckabees); a magnesium spray (I have not gone completely berserk, and am still trying to work on my long-term health; I recently discovered that magnesium is available in other forms than pills and think this might be worth a try for my difficult digestive system). I have also allowed myself to re-watch my newest favourite movie several times - it is called Zindagi Na Milega Dobara if you are interested - an absolutely delightful movie from India. I have decided that one of the actors, Hrithik Roshan, can be my stand-in boyfriend while my real life bf is, once again, in Vancouver trying to finish his projects out there and save enough money to make the permanent move here. I am forever telling other people "sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do," and am trying to give myself the same advice. I have thrown myself into housework and home improvements long delayed; this weekend I sealed the cracks in my faulty bedroom closet ceiling and can finally use the closet! And as we speak I am trying a recipe for borscht from another of my recent purchases, a book about healing leaky gut sydrome.
In the good times and the bad my friends, please hang in there. Observe the beauty of sunrise and sunset; the full moons and eclipses; hope for the best while trying to be prepared for the worst... it is all life.
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